The Success Machine Read online

million. Green apples. Sweet apples.Delicious. Spy. Baldwin." He sighed. "Something's gone out of our way oflife, Ralph."

  _Why, he's just an old dear_, thought Colihan. He looked at the bosswith new sympathy.

  "Funny thing about apples. My father used to keep 'em in barrels down inthe basement. He used to say to me, 'Andrew,' he'd say, 'don't never puta sour apple in one of these barrels. 'Cause just one sour apple canspoil the whole derned lot.'" The boss looked at Colihan and took a bignoisy bite.

  Colihan smiled inanely. Was Moss making some kind of point?

  "Well, we can't sit around all day and reminisce, eh, Ralph? Much as Ienjoy it. But we got a business to run, don't we?"

  "Yes, sir," said the Personnel Manager.

  "Mighty big business, too. How's your side of it, Ralph? OldPersonnelovac hummin' along nicely?"

  "Yes, sir," said Colihan, wondering if he should voice his fears aboutthe Brain.

  "Marvelous machine, that. Most marvelous of 'em all, if you ask me.Sizes up a man beautifully. And best of all, it's one hundred percent_honest_. That's a mighty important quality, Ralph."

  * * * * *

  Colihan was getting worried. The boss's conversation was just a littletoo folksy for his liking.

  "Yes, sir, a mighty fine quality. My father used to say: 'Andrew, anhonest man can always look you in the eyes.'"

  Colihan stared uncomprehendingly. He realized that Moss had stoppedtalking, so he looked him squarely in the eyes and said: "He must havebeen a fine man, your father."

  "He was honest," said Moss. "I'll say that for him. He was honest asthey come. Did you ever hear of Dimaggio?"

  "It sounds familiar--"

  "It should. Dimaggio was a legendary figure. He took a lantern and wentout into the world looking for an honest man. And do you knowsomething? He couldn't find one. You know, Ralph, sometimes _I_ feellike Dimaggio."

  Colihan gulped.

  "And do you know why? Because sometimes I see a thing like _this_--" theboss's hand reached into the desk and came out with a thick bundle ofpink cards--"and I wonder if there's an honest man left in the world."

  * * * * *

  He put the cards in front of Colihan.

  "Now, sir," said Moss. "Let's talk a little business. These cards areall pink. That means dismissal, right? That's twenty-four people firedin the last month, is that correct?"

  "Yes, sir," said Colihan unhappily.

  "And how many cards went through the Personnelovac this month?"

  "Forty."

  "So that's twenty-four out of forty. A batting average of--" The boss'sbrow puckered. "Well. Never mind. But that's quite an unusual record,wouldn't you say so?"

  "Yes, sir, but--"

  "_So_ unusual that it would call for immediate ACTION, wouldn't it?" ThePresident's face was now stormy.

  "Yes, sir. But I checked the Brain--"

  "Did you, Ralph?"

  "Yes, sir. And the Maintainovac said it was perfect. There's nothingwrong with it."

  "_Nothing_ wrong? You call twenty-four firings out of forty _nothing_?"The old man stood up, still holding the core of his apple.

  "Well, I don't understand it either, Mr. Moss." Colihan felt dew on hisforehead. "Nothing seems to satisfy the Brain anymore. It seems todevelop higher and higher standards, or something. Why, I'm not sure itwouldn't even fire--"

  "WHO?" said Moss thunderously. "WHO wouldn't it even fire?"

  The thunder hit Colihan squarely. He swallowed hard, and then managed tosay:

  "Anybody, sir. Me, for instance."

  The President's face suddenly relaxed.

  "I'm no tyrant, my boy. You know that. I'm just doing a job, that'sall."

  "Of course, sir--"

  "Well, all I want you to do is keep your eye on things. It could be acoincidence of course. That's the _logical_ explanation." He narrowedhis eyes. "What do _you_ think, Ralph?"

  "Me, sir?" said Ralph, wide-eyed. "I don't _think_, sir. I ACT, sir!"

  "Good boy!" The boss chuckled and clapped his hand on Colihan'sshoulder. Moss was momentarily satisfied.

  * * * * *

  The Personnelovac burped.

  Colihan picked up the card with a groan. It was pink.

  He walked over to the Action Chute and dropped it inside. As itfluttered down below, Colihan shook his head sadly. "Thirty-one," hesaid.

  He placed the next personnel record into the Information chamber. Heflipped the lever, and the Personnelovac, now hot with usage, winked,chittered, chortled, and chuckled with amazing speed. The burp wasalmost joyful as the card popped out. But Colihan's face was far fromjoyful as he picked it up.

  Pink.

  "Thirty-two," he said.

  The next card was from Grimswitch's department. It was Subject #52098.The number was familiar. Colihan decided to check the file.

  "Sam Gilchrist," he said. "_Couldn't_ be anything wrong with Sam. Why,he's a blinkin' _genius_!"

  Flip. Wink. Chitter. Chortle. Chuckle. BURP!

  Pink.

  "Poor Sam!" said Colihan.

  He fed the other records through quickly.

  Pink.

  Pink.

  PINK.

  At the end of the day, Colihan worked laboriously with a blunt-pointedpencil. It took him fifteen minutes for the simple calculation.

  "Sixty-seven tests. Twenty-three okay. Forty-four--"

  Colihan put his hands to his head. "What am I going to _do_?"

  * * * * *

  Grimswitch followed Colihan down the hall as he came out of the boss'soffice for the third time that week.

  "Well!" he said fatuously. "Quite the teacher's pet, these days. Eh,Colihan?"

  "Go away, Grimswitch."

  "On the carpet, eh? Temper a little short? Don't worry." Grimswitch'sbeefy hand made unpleasant contact with the Personnel man's shoulder."Your old friends won't let you down."

  "Grimswitch, will you please let me alone?"

  "Better watch that think-machine of yours," Grimswitch chuckled. "Mightfire _you_ next, old boy."

  Colihan was glad when Morgan, the production operator, hailed Grimswitchaway. But as he entered his own office, Grimswitch's words stilltroubled him. _Grimswitch_, he thought. _That fat piece of garbage. Thatbig blow-hard. That know-it-all._

  Almost savagely, he picked up the day's personnel cards and flippedthrough them carelessly.

  _Grimswitch, that louse_, he thought.

  Then he had the Idea.

  If Grimswitch was still chewing the fat with Morgan, then his secretarywould be alone--

  If he called her and asked for Grimswitch's record--no, better yet, gotMiss Blanche to call--

  _Why not?_ he thought. _After all, I am the Personnel Manager. Sure,it's a little irregular. He IS a department head. But it's my job, isn'tit?_

  Colihan flipped the inter-com and proceeded to call Miss Blanche.

  * * * * *

  His hand shook as he placed Grimswitch's card into the Personnelovac.

  The machine, though still heated by the day's activity, seemed to takelonger than usual for its chittering, chuckling examination of thepin-holed facts on the record.

  Finally, it gave a satisfied burp and proffered the result to Colihan'seager hand.

  "Aha!" cried the personnel man gleefully.

  He walked over to his desk, wrote a quick note on his memo pad, andplaced both note and card into an envelope. He addressed it to: OFFICEOF THE PRESIDENT. Then he dropped it into the Action Chute. When it wasout of sight, he rubbed his hands together in happy anticipation.

  * * * * *

  When Miss Blanche announced that President Moss himself was in Colihan'souter lobby, the Personnel Manager spent a hasty minute in straighteningup the paper debris on his desk.

  The old man came striding into the room, exhibiting plenty of p-e-p, andhe seate
d himself briskly on Colihan's sofa.

  "Sharp eyes, Ralph," he said. "Sharp eyes and a quick wit. This businessdemands it. That was a sharp notion you had, doing a run-through onGrimswitch. Never trusted that back-slapping fellow."

  Colihan looked pleased. "Trying to do a job, sir."

  "Put your finger on it," said Moss. "Hit the nail on the head. It's justlike my father said: 'Trees go dead on the top.' Colihan--" The bossleaned forward confidentially. "I've got an assignment for you.